fat girl does yoga, and other crazy shit

‘Deep breath in. Hands to heart centre.’

Coming to the
edge of my mat
feels like
coming to the edge of
myself.
The surge of
an ocean
a stirring of the water
beyond this
terrifying edge
within me.

‘Come into Downward Dog.’

Hands and legs planted
on the ground.
my palms are sweaty
slipping slowly down
the line of pressure and tension
from my body weight
making it harder to
hold myself up,
I should have bought the f-ing
Jade mat.

‘Now move into plank position and hold…’

I can feel the weight
of my gut
hanging down underneath me
like a mudslide
blocking traffic in
both directions
pulling down on all the
exhausted muscles
in my lower back
I’m tired of pain.
So much pain.

‘…now slowly move back into Downward dog, straightening your elbows, moving your hips up’

Here
me
down like a dog
feeling that
‘you are stupid and ugly’
that ‘why are you here?’
disqualifying shame
remembering my
old sickness
the helplessness
of being owned
like a dog’
like the only position
he ever wanted
to unlovingly
fuck me in.

‘Connect with your breath, release the tension in your face. Soften your body.’

Reclaiming
attempting to love
the body
that I
dispossessed
like it was a
condemned building
leaving my inner child
to burn in the fires
raging inside
I am
a fat fucking
failure
and I don’t feel strong

‘Warrior II. Keep you arms strong, pulling away from each other and towards opposite walls.’

these arms are
so hard to hold up
surrounded by the
bulging
glaring
stretch-marky evidence
of too many
bags of potato chips
eaten in an
anxious frenzy
wanting not to feel
like
…dying

“…now with your right foot firmly planted on the ground, grab your left ankle with your left arm and slowly move into Dancer’s Pose.’

I always wanted
to be
a dancer
to have that kind of
unmatched grace
and self possession
to be in the body
beyond the
limits of the body
and
there is a dancer in me still
an epic ballet
raging on wildly inside
and there have been
moments lately when
I have been
on point

‘Eagle pose. Allow your left arm to wrap around the right and hands move into prayer position.’

Wrapping
feeling the squeeze
the compression
the overabundance of flesh
that apparently
puts a barrier between
me and my ability
to pray
while the girl next to me
slender and lithe
is One with the heavens
arms easily wrapped
hands in perfect
prayerful togetherness.

‘Deep breath in and out. Hands to heart center.’

Dear Universe,
Dear Shiva, Ganesh,
dear God and Goddess
will you take
my furtive
tenuous
flailing
prayers tonight?
I’m using my whole body
wrapping my whole self
around
all the pain
the failures
the self hatred
the abuse

‘Come back to your breath. Let it flow naturally.’
using
all the courage I have
just standing here
I am praying.
Just being here,
I am praying.
The hands of my spirit
clasped together
begging
forgiveness
for what I have done
to me
for what
I still continue
doing.

‘Final Savasana. Stay here as long as you need.’

Well, shit.
This could take a while.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *